Full Frontal with Samantha Bee

A Totally Real, 100% Valid Theory

LYRIC

After seeing how easy and fun it is to take random scraps of evidence and spin them into ridiculous conspiracy theories we decided to try it ourselves because why the fuck not? A few weeks ago I sat down with a cup of chamomile tea and an assortment of cyanide tablets and I watched all 99
minutes of Donald Trump's deposition on one
of the many lawsuits filed against him. And as I watched, I noticed a pattern...

(LAWYER) section 23D...
(TRUMP) okay got it
(TRUMP) Yah.
(LAWYER) You did not review this section of the lease.
(TRUMP) What does it say?
(LAWYER) monetary damages these. This is in the remedies section.
(TRUMP) I did not. No. I mean, do you want me to read it?
(LAWYER) Uh.
(TRUMP) It's long.
(LAWYER) It is long.
(TRUMP) It's very long.
(LAWYER) It is long.
(TRUMP) I don't have my glasses. I am a disadvantage because I didn't bring my glasses.
This is such small writing.
(LAWYER) You know we can do? We can have a bigger copy made of these pages
(TRUMP) Let me try, let me just do it.
(LAWYER) Would you be able to read this section and tell us what your understanding of it is?
(OTHER LAWYER) Objection.Mr. Trump isn't a lawyer.
Objection. How can you expect someone who isn't a fancy-pants lawyer to read words? Now at first I thought Trump was lying, but then it hit me... thanks to the time I've wasted watching very special episodes of TV shows over the years, I could draw only one conclusion...

[Clip of The Facts of Life]
What's the matter with you, can't you read?
[Clip of Mr. Belvedere]
What's the matter with you can't you read?
[Clip of My So-Called Life]
(ANGELA) You expect me to believe you didn't read it?
(JORDAN) I read parts of it, okay?
(ANGELA) You couldn't read it. That's it, isn't it?

Oh my god, Trump is just like Jared Leto! Well, maybe more like the current version of Jared Leto. [Leto as the Joker] You heard it here first, people are saying: Donald Trump can't read. Specifically, people on my research staff. Now before you accuse us of being a silly late-night comedy show making cheap jokes about a presidential candidate allegedly being illiterate, which we definitely are, we have evidence. So much evidence, the best evidence.

Exhibit A: Trump's own words.

(FOX NEWS INTERVIEWER) Favorite book, other than the Bible or The Art of the Deal.
(TRUMP)Um, All Quiet on the Western Front.

(HAYES) You ask him as he's leaving the interview and going to bed, what are you reading. What does he say?
(WOLFF) He kind of had that look, oh yeah you got me and then he tried to answer and he said he's reading this this book by -- that Ed Kline wrote, a hatchet job on Hillary Clinton, which I'm sure he's not reading, then there was a book about Nixon, which he couldn't remember exactly. But then he said, All Quiet on the Western Front.

Those two interviews were a month apart and in that whole month not only did he not read a book, he didn't even read a book title to tell reporters about. Not convinced yet? I give you Exhibit B: hearsay.

[Clip of Real Time with Bill Maher]
[Eliot Spitzer] My dad had a meeting with him many years ago, he's in the same business, we've never deal with him - forget it, no way. But my dad said about Trump after the meeting, he - meaning Trump - has not read a book in 20 years.
[Jelani Cobb] But the average American has not read a book in the last year either.
Two things: the last year and the last 20 years are
two very different things. If that 19-year difference were a person, [Trump with a beauty pageant] she'd be way too old for Donald Trump to talk about wanting to date someday.
The signs that Trump can't read have been in
front of us all along! [CNN broadcast, in the background someone lifts a handwritten sign "TRUMP CAN'T READ"] In some cases the signs have literally been right there in front of us.But how does he tweet if he can't read?

(ANDERSON) Do you actually sit there type
or do you say something and somebody
else time types it?
(TRUMP) during the day I'm in the office, I just shouted it out to one of the young ladies who are tremendous. I have tremendous office staff. And Meredith and some of the people that work for me. And I'll just shout out.

Oh to be a fly on the wall when Trump yells, 'hey Meredith do me a favor and tweet that Audrey Hepburn was a fat ugly cunt, pronto!" I know what you're thinking, 'that's crazy! Trump can't be illiterate, the man must have signed his name on countless contracts, bankruptcy filings, prenups and mail-order bride forms over the years. And does this look like the signature of a man who can't read?' But think about it when Trump is on the campaign trail what's his biggest enemy
I mean, besides knowledge, integrity, and
basic human decency?

(TRUMP) I don't use teleprompters, you know what I use? I don't use teleprompters.
(TRUMP)I don't believe in teleprompters.
(TRUMP) Maybe when you run for president you shouldn't be allowed to use a teleprompter.
(TRUMP) Because you don't even know if the guy's smart! he's reading ladies and gentlemen thank you very much this is wonderful speed that
teleprompter up, bahbahbahbah
(TRUMP) Deedeedee. They have teleprompters. I say we should outlaw teleprompters for anybody, right?
(ANCHOR VOICEOVER) That's a first, attacking the teleprompter there, because he said it wasn't working properly.

Yeah, the teleprompter wasn't working
properly, it had all these weird lines
and crazy symbols on it. Then there was that
telling moment in the last debate.
(TRUMP)And during the cease fire, Russia took over vast swatches of land.

[image of an arm with a Swatch wristwatch ]Swatches of land? Ok. Nobody has ever said that, except someone trying to sound out the words on
the debate prep he was handed and fucking it up!
I wonder what else Donald has misread?
[Paper reads "Build a mall! Mexico will pay for it"]
But perhaps the most damning piece of evidence is a study that says reading improves empathy and
Donald Trump once did this [Trump mocking a disabled veteran] which suggests he's never read a book in his life. Or, it seems, a script.

(DAVIDSON) ok so he's like, he doesn't really know
how to read. Yeah, and he loves to improv yeah, so during like the table read he would go, 'I'm not gonna say this, I think I'm gonna day this the way I want to say it, is that ok?' There was a sketch that we wrote where he's at Disneyland with his daughter and the line is: 'alright let's get out of here. Turkey legs? Like, let's like go get turkey legs.'
And he doesn't know how to read. So he went, 'all right let's get out of here, turkey legs.' He called his daughter turkey legs.

Don't laugh at him, illiteracy is sad. I for one am impressed that even with his alleged disability and with just a multi-million dollar loan from his
father, Donald Trump was able to become one of the richest people in the country.

(TRUMP) Some of the richest people in this country are people that can't even read
or write. They're called friends of mine, contractors. They might not read or write, but they're a lot smarter than the guys coming out of Harvard, I want to tell you.

Oh you have 'a friend' who can't read? do you
also have 'a friend' who's embarrassed by
his tiny hands? Tell 'your friend' not to
get discouraged and to just do his best
like you did during your deposition.

(LAWYER) did you ever read this section of the
lease
(TRUMP) No.
(LAWYER) on the security deposit guarantee letter of credit.
(TRUMP) No I didn't.
(TRUMP) I just don't know what the lease says. It's a very big lease. I don't know what the lease says.
I don't know what the lease says.
(OTHER LAWYER) It calls for a legal opinion.
It also calls for speculation
(TRUMP) I just don't know what the lease says.
once you have a lease, you know when
you have a lease, you have a lease. And I just don't know what the lease says as to that.

Oh my god Donald just listen to the lease on audible! Now look, we are not definitively saying that Donald Trump cannot read. We're just asking the question. Donald Trump knows all about asking questions.

(PIERS) Do you believe he probably was born in America?
(TRUMP) Uh, I say he might have been.

And we believe you might can read. Mr. Trump, you can very easily clear up these questions
all you have to do is provide a video of
yourself reading Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate out loud and we'll be satisfied that we ended a terrible rumor that Hillary Clinton and
Sidney Blumenthal started. Shame on that.

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