EMDR is a form of therapy for PTSD and other trauma related disorders. Another track on this album, Thurifer, is about spiritual abuse, which can produce such tragic disorders. It’s reasonable to assume, therefore, that this song is about one of the band member’s experiences with trauma and EMDR. I have complex PTSD (CPTSD) as well as a dissociation disorder similar to what’s normally called “multiple personality disorder,” and this song hits so close to home for me that I think I can provide some insight. Warning- all of this is just from my own personal experience, and the internal world of people with this form of dissociation is so alien to singletons (normal people) that it is nearly impossible to describe.

According to one of the most widely held clinical theories on dissociation, the Structural Dissociation Model, intense stress causes the personality or nervous system to compartmentalize to ensure continued safe functioning of the body. They often, but not always, separate into the apparently normal part (ANP), and the emotional parts (EP). The former is the “day-to-day” personality that responds to given name, acts normal, and does daily tasks, and the latter are the traumatized parts which hold traumatic memories. For example, a child in an abusive household where they are punished for any slight defiance may dissociate their anger into a separate part, not being able to get angry unless that part takes over. The process of healing from CPTSD involves getting the ANP to acknowledge the EPs and integrate them back into the main personality. EMDR is one technique for doing so. In my experience, the process is completely surreal. Different parts of you talk to one another almost like the characters in Inside Out. Your life operates on “dream logic;” It’s often horrifying. This song is about that process- specifically, it’s about a dialogue between the ANP and one of the EPs.

The verses of the song are from the perspective of the ANP.

Tying not to intervene \ keep it on my own
swimming in a sea of guilt

Once I told myself anything goes \ never did anything right

This is the ANP discussing avoiding triggers, not seeking help, and “try to get on” with day-to-day life. This is accompanied with a level of self loathing that is common in people with CPTSD

drained of energy or blood

An interesting side note- because dissociation cuts off part of the nervous system at a fundamental level, dissociated people often don’t have the stamina, attention span, or constitution of normal people. My deadlift went up 50lbs after integration just because I could harness more of my nervous system.

Once my fungus takes care of your soul \ Turns it to nutritious soil

The process of healing from CPTSD is a death, mourning, and rebirth of the “old self” which is primarily stored in the EP. There is a point where I had to confront the fact that the old me was dead, and that he would not come back. At several points I felt him come to me in a dream and tell me that part of him was leaving for heaven and thanked me for helping him. I cried nonstop after this. He didn’t deserve to die. I should have been able to save him. Immediately after he was gone I felt my consciousness expand- I had reaquired the parts of the nervous system that he had left. Whatever defined him as a “person” had left me.

Behold how the nature of desire \ Always finds a way

But you have to do it to heal. He sacrificed himself for the greater good- so that the rest of me could have a life without being repulsively bitter.

you had me in your power like you never did before

despite…the nature of desire always finds a way

Nonetheless, the EP still has a great deal of control of the body. It can gain access to the host body and reasoning if fronting, and even when it’s not can subconsciously influence the ANP. My EPs influenced me to join the Eastern Orthodox Church, believing that we could be healed there. For months I was utterly convinced that it was the one true church, but not being sure why I felt that way.

The post chorus and refrain are from the perspective of the EP

Eyes of a dark dense mind

Sometimes when I feel a “connection” to one of my EPs (which are localized in specific parts of my body) I see phosphones in my vision while experiencing some of their emotion. This also happens during EMDR

I’m feasting on what you feed me

The healing process revolves around integration- getting the disconnected parts of yourself to interact with one another. EMDR facilitates this by stimulating the corpus callosum. Indeed, the EPs are able to heal and integrate by “feeding” off of the information that is exchanged when they communicate with the rational, straight-headed ANP.

I stand before no one

Meeting the ANP face to face, not as some cliché hallucination, but, quite literally, as a person facing parts of himself he couldn’t before.

Cry, my love

Being able to feel the emotions that you were dissociated from is a bittersweet experience of mourning.

The bridge and chorus are harder to explain. There is a state called “co-consciousness” where multiple parts are active at once, but not as one person. For me, it feels like I have two people in my head at once, communicating, but each looking through a different eye, and with separate control of each side of the face. My friends used to comment that it was quite disturbing. These two parts of the song are the closest I have found to describing the experience.

parasites…tissue divided in two
I have had nightmares more horrific than I ever thought possible. I’ll leave it at that

(I have seen too much of it)

a clearly separate person, with a different train of thought, still participating in the same dialogue, vaguely referencing the other thoughts. This is what co-consciousness is like

Hide behind a rueful face

The host is emotionless as he has had to learn to be to survive abuse.

Thank you all for fine charades

Co-consciousness at its finest. We have no idea who is saying this, as both the host and the EP have been fooled and tricked by the other. In this state of co-consciousness, they at least are able to meet on that

Praise the little things I wanted \ All I wanted was to rest

Both want an end to the nightmares and dissociation. Trust me, it’s exhausting

Rest in knowing all demons are real

The ANP sometimes perceives the EPs as “demonic” (and you should never do that, they aren’t). I was horrified by mine and actually underwent exorcisms until I finally accepted that they were a part of me. This is far from uncommon

Taste their sweet lips, seal the dеal and heal
Acceptance of the trauma, that the EPs are you, is the first step of healing

The outro is of note. It’s a dialogue between the ANP and EP, but line by line. The ANP’s verses reflect his healing process:

See my love, I take a stand for my beliefs \ Stronger love, found within, take my fire \ Cry, my love, I’ll comfort you, I’ll kill the ghosts

Accepting responsibility for allowing the body to come to such harm, accepting the EP as a part of itself that it must nurture and take responsibility for, and helping him to heal. It sounds like an adult talking to a child for a reason- many EP’s are formed at a young age and are often stuck at that age, even when the body is an adult. The pet name “my love” is not accidental. There is an intense feeling of eros during integration- it’s kind of like falling in love with yourself in a beautiful way. You realize how precious you are, how you didn’t deserve what happened to you, etc…

On my own, I’m here alone, just me and you \ I found the peace, a quiet room, comfortable doom

I felt incredibly isolated and alone (not sure why, it could be the raw exhaustion of processing all the emotion). I often would shut my windows and curl in a ball in my bed and lay there for days. When you first make a connection with an EP, you feel their emotional state, and they’re usually stuck in the middle of the traumatization episode. Needless to say, it’s not pleasant.

I’m leading you all the way

This is the EP’s line. As I said before, the EP can subconsciously influence the ANP and “guide him” to healing. This is especially relevant since often the ANP is in denial of the trauma (as I was). It’s no wonder that this line is the focus of the outro.